"What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?!"
Finally bowing to popular pressure, I purchased one these so-called "smart phones", an Android model, from Metro PCS.
Let's leave Metro PCS out of the story for now, since that's an entirely different universe of unhappiness, disappointment and stupidity, and for now let's just say that the so-called "smart phone" was not any fun to use, was confusing to operate, and finally just pushed the wrong buttons in my head after a week of struggle and cursing.
Looks like it's smashy-smashy time!
I put the phone on the kitchen table and hit it with my framing hammer. Nothing happened - the phone seemed to get a tiny bit thinner, but was otherwise intact. Feeling like I should be considerate of the environment, I opened the back and took out the battery and (whatever-it's-called) storage chip, then hit it again with the hammer. Still nothing.
I went and got a small drift pin out of my tool box, turned the phone over, and set the pin in the lens of the built-in camera, then took another swing with the hammer. This time there was a satisfying crunch as the energy of my blow was directed into the back of the phone. Bye-bye, Ansel Adams!
Since I had better luck with the drift pin than just the hammer alone, I decided to continue the experiment along that line. Back on the front side, I used the pin to create two small punctures in the front screen of the phone which resembled bullet holes, then tried a frontal attack with the blunt end of the hammer. Still, the effect was less than satisfying, so I went and dug up a pair of Vice Grips.
By grabbing the two ends of the phone with the two pairs of Vice Grip pliers and flexing back and forth, I was finally able to get the guts of the phone to give way. With a sickening crunch, the Android finally gave up, separating into two pieces in a shower of tiny plastic (I suppose) particles.
The sound of the dying Android and the tinkling of tiny particles on the floor reminded me of the sensation of biting into a Tootsie Pop. It's hard to describe, but there is a tactile memory associated with that simple pleasure - crunching the candy between your teeth - and for a brief moment I wanted a grape Tootsie Pop real bad...
I took some pictures with my other digital camera, then cleaned up the mess, chuckling the whole time. I doubt that this will end up becoming the album cover for the new album Another Second Childhood, but then again, you just never know...
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